我的雷達出現不明飛行物時:蔡康永

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/articlelist_1282005885_10_1.html

(william kentridge)

你和我一樣  都說不清楚

是哪一天開始  我在你的地圖上  漸漸變成了  一個遙遠的國家

我的雷達出現不明飛行物時  你是趕不過來的

我的土壤結凍的時候  你不再收得到  我的麥田整片整片被積雪掩埋的新聞畫面

我遇到的瘟疫已經失控了  你仍在舉辦你的慶典

我上不了網  手機收不到訊號了  那又怎麼樣呢?

反正我這邊  也沒有什麼你在乎的消息

我在你的地圖上

默默的  越移越邊邊了

再移一點點  我就會掉到地圖外面了

但你不會察覺的

我呼叫的電波  會被你轉播慶典的發射訊號蓋掉

我送出的每封郵件  都會遭到攔截

我的森林大火  或者  我的邊境被進攻  你都不會派人來了

你床頭的地球儀  越打造越精美  象牙的  黃金的  夜光的  鑲嵌寶石的

越轉  越快速  也越炫目

只是那上面

已經沒有我了

沒有人發現你的地圖上  少了這個國家

沒有人會發現  連你也忘了

只有我記得

只有我知道

have your cake and eat it too?

dearest hycaeit,

yesterday was such a confusing day for me.  in the morning i was rather giggly and gushy in a girly, blushy kind of way, which isn’t all that surprising given that’s how you’ve always made me feel… all the time… and frankly that’s why i like you so much – the way you make me feel.

did i just quote the lyrics of some song?

then in the afternoon your messages sent an ugly signal, speaking of things and going-on’s that i did not care to hear and could not bear to hear.  i could learn to appreciate your candid approach to our friendship but most of the time i’m too confused by your ignorant insensitivity, unable to properly digest the content of the ill messages let alone how i feel about them.

should i tell you to shut up when you say things that hurt me?  will you think i’m petty and crazy?  should i act and behave differently in a way that i think is more akin to your taste?  if i changed, would you think i’m crazy (again)?

ai.  confused?  hell ya.  confused about myself.  nobody makes me doubt myself, except you.

if only you were just an ordinary insignificant other.  we get along so well, we’d be best of friends, soul mates even.  in another life, perhaps.  i am yet to develop the ability to be friends with you.  just friends.

in my time of need you weren’t there.  i’m not of any significance to you so it’s not as if you had any obligation to be there.  i just want and wish you to be there.  fundamentally different notions, i know.  like today, when in your absence another lovely white knight in shining armour came to my rescue, i could not help but wish it was you instead.  i wished you were the one feeding me the soothing soup and taking me on a cool summer drive for fresh air that i’ve been craving.

this had nothing to do with you.  perhaps you would have offered something similar, if only you had called half an hour earlier, not half an hour late.  even so, i cannot help but think my value to you would not have been more than a convenient time filler – what else could an insignificant other such as myself possibly amount to in your eyes?  so it’s not as if you’ve done anything wrong…

except maybe all the other times when you, intentionally or not but always effectively behave like you want your cake and eat it too.  do you even know what that means?  do you even know that’s what you’re doing?  to me?  although, even i have trouble believing that as the truth, no matter how times and how many people tell me the same freakin’ thing.  either way, the bakery keeps feeding you cake… so i guess the saying “it takes two to tango” is oh so abso-fucking-lutely true.

till next time, the bakery.

2009 wrap up

無怨無悔付出、無條件給予、resilience in the face of rejection, strength in the face of disappointment, determination despite lack of justification, persistence despite mortification, endurance lead by the heart and soul – raw and real.  ready or not, 2010 is knocking…

by andre jordan

我的小王子 勇勇 2002－2009

小小的一隻　凸凸的眼睛　大大的耳朵　寬寬的胸膛　永遠的勇敢小狗王　調皮的眼神　愛撒嬌的模樣　走到哪　可愛的你總是跟到哪　黏到哪　那臨走時刻　我不在　沒能保護你　救你　你有沒有痛　有沒有害怕　有沒有孤單　永永遠遠愛你　我的勇勇　一路好走

老家後院的樹下，願你喜歡，願你安息，我的小寶貝…

冬天了 小小隻的你一定又在抖抖抖抖抖 快找個溫暖的懷抱躲起來取暖 別著涼了 我的小王子

昨晚我們一起暢遊台北街頭… 牽著你走在路上，路人一一停下腳步想多看你一眼。走累了，把你放進包包，一顆小小的頭望著外面的世界，吵雜繁忙的城市你不以為意，連專櫃小姐都誇你好乖。在咖啡廳，我一口咖啡，你一口餅乾，靜靜的坐在我的大腿上，還有那調皮的眼神，我忍不住親親你就快禿光的小額頭…下次夢裡想見，我的小王子帶我去那兒？

你現在的地方也有寬闊的公園與綠草嗎　今天的太陽好舒服　喜歡曬太陽的你一定會喜歡

名貴轎車皮椅．捷安特籃裡．摩托車上，你哪個沒搭過？計程車、公車、捷運、火車、高鐵、飛機也通通都是家常便飯。已成為小天使的你，翅膀飛呀飛，帶你到更好、更美麗的地方，食物無限暢飲、太陽不曾間斷的天堂…

sentimental fundamentals

a laughter or tear shared is a gift given and a gift received.  to give and surrender – exposed, vulnerable, and raw – so simple, beautiful, grand, and rare.  stop arguing about dirty socks or time not well spent, stop obsessing about the colour of your blood or how many carats look good on a metal ring.  colour my sky with your laughter and i shall catch your tears.

raw and exposed: there could be no other way

congregated around my coffee table and as we each sipped on our steaming cups of camomile, the conversation quickly and inevitably veers towards the ever topical of topics, men.

as one playfully brings up the little white book “the rules”, and although we all laugh and giggle at the prospect, we begin to debate: how much of that book is actually true?  are its ‘teachings’ actually applicable in real life?  as they exchanged notes on their field experiences and experiments, it became apparent that at least some of the stuff from the book does occur in the real world.  i wouldn’t know.  in the end i think we all just agreed that there is no hard and fast rule.

as the girls continued to assess their (mis)understandings of men, i begin to voice my point: to me, it’s not yet about trying to understand men, for i’m still at the stage of pre-process, the prelude, the prequel to understanding men: understanding myself.

i’ve never understood the concept of playing hard to get or letting the man do the chasing or never giving too much or too little blah blah blah blah blah.  so i couldn’t and wouldn’t even begin to assess the merits of these concepts.

i don’t know how to play games.  i sucked at sports and could never coordinate my thumbs on a nintendo or my limbs on a dance machine.  i don’t know how to play hard to get just so i that could get a great catch.  i don’t know how to appear disinterested, just to solicit interest and arouse desire.  something about acting like your unique self but never to stand out too much.  say wha?  always have your own opinions and thoughts but don’t talk too much.  come again?  and i most certainly don’t know how to be behave indifferently just so that you will treat me differently when i most definitely feel you are different to anyone else i’ve ever met…

perhaps therein lies my downfall?

such relationship jibberish is like rocket science, utterly beyond me.  all i know is when i feel, I FEEL.  when i fall, I FALL.  i am most happy even just hearing your voice telling me some insignificant, obscure thing about your day.  i feel sad when i cannot call you at random just to tell you the stupid thing i came across on my way home.  i find myself worrying about you when it rains or when the traffic is bad or both.

for me when i feel and fall, there is no holding back, even if i tried.  it’s not even about wearing my heart on my sleeves. try ripping my heart out with my own bare hands and presenting it on a silver platter.  there is no facade, no frills, no razzle dazzle because i am incapable of pretty-fying me.  it’s just all me – the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly, the honest, the raw, and the real.  is that not good enough?  am i not good enough?

it’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you’re very much out at sea.  you’re exposed.  you could drown.  when you commit to someone like that, you live and die together by that decision. – Nicole Kidman, 2009

borING boys

boys are such a bore
whatever happened to good old fashioned make me laugh from the core?
i used to laugh so hard i fell to the floor
with a big stitch making my side oh so sore

so many options to explore
but one too many i just wanna show em the door
even coffee has become a chore
rather close my eyes and have myself a big fat snore

‘though it’s not how highly or not you may score
but what i want ain’t available from the store
somethings i simply cannot ignore
like to gush, blush, and giggle some more

don’t be fooled by the feisty decor
for if it is you that i adore
together through fun, love, hunger and desire we shall soar
i am like none other you’ve met before

when did boys become a complete bore?
i just want to gush, blush, and giggle some more
never settle for anything less, to myself i swore
surely, that ain’t too much to implore

so come on boys, stop being such a bore!

hidING in the fall

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

me wanta thisa serenadea for me nexta birthday!

心的距離 陳奕迅

看前面　我忘記了是哪個夏天
你輕靠著我　飄散而過的落葉
為了誓言　讓時間延伸就像永遠
遲鈍如我　也感覺到的邊緣

在思念的空間裡不斷徘徊
那距離卻越明顯
持續的提醒我　現實的界限

又一遍　我忘記了是哪些事件
你言詞閃爍　原因當然不明顯
試著看見　讓時間倒轉回到從前
認真如我　有抓不到的邊緣

在想像的空間裡不斷徘徊
那畫面永遠明確
就算是閉上眼　也無法否決

我怎麼會讓自己舍身不斷涉險
你怎麼會對我的心不斷的拒絕
愛失去你的包圍
每次退後又錯過你的世界一點

我沒有辦法清醒應付新的對決
你卻輕易讓我的心委屈到極限
愛有了你　卻失去了我的一切
衡量你的心直線到我之間
沒有跨越的機會

又一遍　我忘記了是哪些事件
你言詞閃爍　原因當然不明顯
試著看見　讓時間倒轉回到從前
認真如我　有抓不到的邊緣

在想像的空間裡不斷徘徊
那畫面永遠明確
就算是閉上眼　也無法否決

我怎麼會讓自己舍身不斷涉險
你怎麼會對我的心不斷的拒絕
愛失去你的包圍
每次退後又錯過你的世界一點

我沒有辦法清醒應付新的對決
你卻輕易讓我的心委屈到極限
愛有了你　卻失去了我的一切
衡量你的心直線到我之間
沒有跨越的機會
沒有跨越的機會
衡量你的心直線到我之間
沒有跨越的機會

看前面　我忘記了是哪個夏天